Our Wellbeing Practitioner, Sam Havis, offers a reflection on success…
From the moment a parent finds out they’re expecting their first child, it begins; they start to imagine this potential person’s future. The possibilities open up as their imagination takes flight. They could be a lawyer, a doctor, maybe even Prime Minister?! Or perhaps mum or dad have unresolved sporting or musical ambitions. Their child might play cricket for Yorkshire, football for England or be a piano virtuoso. Whatever someone’s particular dreams for their child, one thing is common – they want their children to be “better” than they are.
So when the little one starts school they offer praise for any small success or achievement. They look at their child’s little friends and identify any way their child is superior to another, “accepting” the ways in which they aren’t. They grasp onto any talent, nurture any ability and focus their attention on what they can DO.
I’m not parent-shaming here; I know full well that almost every parent is doing their very best to raise happy, healthy well-balanced kids, and that’s a pretty difficult thing to do when they don’t come with a manual. But I am questioning society’s obsession with achievement and a narrow view of success that is handed down through successive generations.
When I scan my Facebook feed, I see a multitude of quite rightly proud parents proclaiming their children’s achievements. As a former antenatal teacher I love seeing the babies from many of my courses grow up and develop. We have potential Olympic swimmers and gymnasts, a talented violinist and a budding scientist among them. All this is great. But I see less people talking about their children developing and demonstrating values and emotional skills. We prize “Doing” over “Being”.
This was brought home to me in a conversation with my sister-in-law. My nephew Charlie has Down’s Syndrome and Autism. He is non-verbal. She was telling me how wonderful it is that there are so many positive representations of people with Down’s Syndrome in the media now, but because they are celebrating all the things they can do, she felt it didn’t value someone like Charlie who won’t be able to get a job or live independently. Charlie brings an immense amount of joy to his family and has a value beyond his achievements.
I have met so many people who identify as perfectionists or who are ambitious, but the question that always comes to my mind is, “who are you trying to please?” If it makes YOU happy, go for it, but if parents always focus on what their children can do, and offer praise primarily for that, then is it any surprise that as adults we have internalized the notion that other people will be happier with us if we do well?
Consider the people in your life that you really like. Who are your best friends, the people you enjoy spending time with? Do you like them because of what they do, or is it because of who they are? Do we like people more if they have an important job title, or is it that they are kind, that they listen well, that they are funny?
Achievement isn’t a dirty word. It’s inevitable in life that some people achieve great things. We need brilliant scientists, creative geniuses, sporting legends. And many of those will have an internal motivation provided by a passion for what they do. But most of us will live quite unremarkable lives and that’s okay too. Let’s broaden what “success” looks like, and celebrate “Being” as well as “Doing”.
If you enjoy Sam’s blog, why not read some of her other ones? Sam also hosts the “Flourishing” stream of our podcast, episodes of which you can find on Soundcloud or on your favourite podcast platform if you look for “Leeds Sanctuary”.